This has been a sobering year.
I have, to be honest never felt so fragile, and so hopeful and so grateful and so stretched.
Part of this is my own fault. Assuming that the changes in my life would be changes in my life more than changes to who I am.
I am changed.
One of the things that I liked most about myself was the ability to handle so much, be thinking about the next thing while a task was midway, juggle kids and be planning dinner all at the same time.
Lately, if I leave the house looking presentable, with breakfast consumed, lunches made and school commitments met I am pretty chuffed. There’s not much time for planning. I bless the people who invented the Keep Cup most mornings so I can drink my lukewarm coffee on the way to work. I have not been the most reliable of friends.
It’s not just that I’m busy with life and work and painting madly for this (which I am very, very excited by). It’s the re-adjustment to working 5 days a week, and the complete lack of time to just gaze quietly for as long as the mood takes me at nothing in particular.
I miss quietly sewing, instead of designing and writing. I miss being on top of all deadlines and being proactive about chasing opportunities. I miss being able to pop into school as a class helper without it being a huge juggle. I miss being able to bake with a little helper and share the love in those gentle moments. I miss being able to have lunch and a laugh with mates mid-week.
And I am not invincible, which is a scary revelation to someone who thrived on adenalin. Adrenalin these days leaves me shaken – not productive and decidedly less functional, which I cannot afford to be.
I’ll get back there I know. And I’m looking forward to just being cruisy, having all legal paperwork over and tidy with no lawyers to speak with and thoroughly in the swing of work (and being able to leave that when I go home). I am looking forward to enjoying the moment again without feeling like I’m dragged behind it and to not feeling guilty for the things that I would have done but havn’t. So much guilt on a daily basis.
I am looking forward in the knowledge that I AM in such a good place in my heart and home and just waiting for the rest of me to catch up. Someone tell her she’s running late – I miss her.
All shade is pattern – there is dark and light and the variations are beautiful, and natural and lovely. From here I can see the sun and it’s wonderful but I’m loving the coolness of the shade and still sheltering. Just a little.