It occurs to me (quite frequently if I’m honest), because I’m self-obsessed like that, how many people we are at the one time.
And how the way we define ourselves at any given time impacts on how we feel about life and our place in the stream of life.
I think that’s why so may of us fill any void (perceived or actual) with things. Activities, shopping, people, crap. Making a mark on ourselves, the world or others, to try to get a grip on who we actually are and where we fit.
And I suspect the truth is, that we don’t fit anywhere and that should be fine. But for some reason it isn’t.
I’m pondering it all again, after a busy few weeks of mothering, involvement in the school’s art auction and art activity day, dealing with coughs and colds all around, progression with the mural that I’m assisting another school with and generally feeling like I’m stuck in the mud. Busy doing lots, and doing nothing all at once.
More and more I define myself by the fact that I create art, and paradoxically, it’s the other things that I’m handling because of that which are separating me from actually doing it. The less time I am able to spend doing it, the less confidence I have and the more I crave it to ground me again.
Making me cranky.
There is a saying, those who can do, and those who can’t teach. I suspect that is more a case of cause and effect than a fact. I certainly notice that the ‘art’ reserves have been drained by less tangible activities and I wonder if the benefit is too expensive for me.
I have a new respect for teachers, for the sacrifices they make on a daily basis and for the run-on effect they have. I have new respect for those who selflessly fundraise – because it takes a lot of letting go of ego to do that with style. I continue to have respect for those who are stay at home mums or housewifes, who take pride in their tidy homes and children and who need nothing more than that to feel fulfilled.
We are all works in progress. We are all not quite who we will be, but every so often we all need to take stock of what makes us happy and follow our bliss just a little. It’s not selfish, it’s human.
And I love to see people glow. I need to go and get a little recharge. Do you?