I should blog this.
I shouldn’t blog this.
I should blog this….
I have had a heady, intense, scary, exhilarating, adrenalin-fuelled extended period of months. There have been great bits, and low bits. Stressful bits and times when I have felt like I’m on a flying fox and the view is spectacular.
Now the show is up and doing its own thing without me, I have just gone flop into some ineffectual heap, and I’m waiting for the dust to clear before I make my next move. I need to trust that the dust will clear, and am too tired to clear out the dust myself.
The dust is metaphorical and physical. I have been so busy that the housework has had to slow down. The house needs more than cursory cleaning. And now that I have enough time to look around it bothers me no end. I’d call in a cleaner, but there is so much clutter that a cleaner couldn’t sort, and it’s difficult to know where to start.
I need to empty to make space for new things to come into my life.
I need to clear out the clutter to make daily life more easy. I need to clear out my studio to make space for new paintings. I need to clear out my head to make space for just being for a while.
But I’m tired. And I suspect that the ‘up’ of the constant adrenalin of the past few (more than that if I’m honest) months is now making way for a perfectly understandable ‘low’. And I hate the low…. It’s not depression by any stretch of the imagination – just anxiety about the continued success of the show, and a levelling out of sorts, but it makes me slow. Slow and low…
There were plans for yesterday – perhaps a trip to the shops, lunch out on my own somewhere, a long, long walk nowhere in particular.
Instead I cocooned. Watching taped TV shows from the past few weeks while I’ve been up to my elbows in paint. I knitted – starting something new and nourishing for the new me that will come out of this experience. I ate leftovers from the fridge. I rested.
From Fitted Knits.
Cocooning is an apt term in so many ways. The feeling of being bound is uncomfortable. Being forced to be still by some unknown part of self that knows better than I do is unlovely and frustrating. I hope it doesn’t last too long because life is calling and sometime soon I need to answer.