I’m sure I’m not alone in having these swings in decision-making. The kinds of decisions that can be flippantly made and have a life-time of consequence, regret or joy (and both).
For some reason I always expected to have 3 kids. Probably has something to do with a palm-reader and a bored morning at a market (probably not the best $20 ever spent actually – he said some stuff that was quite unsettling).
I have swings that are familiar to most women – brought on by smelling someone’s new very-clean baby, or a soft-focus ad on TV that brings back that swoon of love and pride that a new baby brings. When my first child was 1 year old it came back powerfully and brought me to my knees some days (weeks) with longing and a peculiar kind of grieving that another wasn’t possible yet, (and with the ticking of the biological clock) may never come. My soul yearned for a huge brood to engulf me and carry me through my days with love, responsibility and vicarious adventures through their eyes.
When #2 finally came along, I found it was easier having two in lots of ways than one. Somebody said to me while I was out with them both – ‘isn’t it lovely having a second baby’, and waxed lyrical about how the experience is so different because you are relaxed, and appreciative instead of anxious and concerned you might accidentally cause injury (physically or emotionally) through not knowing what to do. She was absolutely right, and #2 is relaxed and confident, and joyful, and independant, as I am these days as a mother.
So, for a while there I had in my mind #3…….
And the swinging started, but with less emotion and more awareness of what it all entails.
And the swinging lessened – became more like waves, with the ocassional surge of “what if”…..
Yesterday, while walking through the botanical gardens with my good, but fiesty girl who is not such a baby anymore, verbally expressing her emotions, desires and joy, and obviously moving on to a new phase in her (our) life I thought – maybe this is enough.
And the swinging settles for today – perhaps forever – and life moves on to a new phase with peace, and a calm acceptance that I am blessed, and lucky to know it, and the suspicion that this little brood – just as it is might just be the perfect amount for us.