I have had a difficult week. One of those cocoon weeks full of self-doubt and dissastisfaction.
One of those wickedly unproductive weeks where if I was in a happy place I would be wandering around and looking at the sunshine – enjoying quiet moments and a break from my everyday path of make-do, make-up, and make-peace.
Taking time out is important for sanity and self-worth, and at this point in my life and career it is just impossible. Just the fact that I have 2 small children means that every second is filled with some sort of supervision, distraction or domestic chore – and I ain’t no domestic goddess.
From time to time well-meaning people suggest a holiday – but in actual fact a holiday with 2 small children is harder work than being at home. At home – there is familiarity and well loved toys. At home there is a familiar bed. At home there is the television, and friends close by. At home – despite the chores, there are times that I can gainfully be absent in the same house and know exactly where they are and what they are up to.
And I’m bitten by the bug. I am completely driven to paint these days. I need it, I crave it. Ideas come from everywhere. Faces and moments appear that must be captured. On holiday I get itchy and irritable for the lost opportunity to purge on the canvas. My sketchbook follows me everywhere on holiday. The thought of being away from the paint makes me claustrophobic in some strange way.
I’m pleased to announce I’m feeling better. A whirlwind of distractions – planning and hosting a party, trying to shift some detritus, whinging and moaning, a small amount of chocolate (alright quite a bit), and loads of cuddles from beautiful little beings have all helped me through, and I’m coming out the other side feeling better, more creative (blessing or curse I’m not sure), and ready for the challenges that are creeping up quickly in the form of shows and committments.
The struggle seems to be a necessary part of development. I don’t like it much, but knowing that I come out ‘new and improved’ is some consolation.
If only it wasn’t so uncomfortable.