This has been a sobering year.
I have, to be honest never felt so fragile, and so hopeful and so grateful and so stretched.
Part of this is my own fault. Assuming that the changes in my life would be changes in my life more than changes to who I am.
I am changed.
One of the things that I liked most about myself was the ability to handle so much, be thinking about the next thing while a task was midway, juggle kids and be planning dinner all at the same time.
Lately, if I leave the house looking presentable, with breakfast consumed, lunches made and school commitments met I am pretty chuffed. There’s not much time for planning. I bless the people who invented the Keep Cup most mornings so I can drink my lukewarm coffee on the way to work. I have not been the most reliable of friends.
It’s not just that I’m busy with life and work and painting madly for this (which I am very, very excited by). It’s the re-adjustment to working 5 days a week, and the complete lack of time to just gaze quietly for as long as the mood takes me at nothing in particular.
I miss quietly sewing, instead of designing and writing. I miss being on top of all deadlines and being proactive about chasing opportunities. I miss being able to pop into school as a class helper without it being a huge juggle. I miss being able to bake with a little helper and share the love in those gentle moments. I miss being able to have lunch and a laugh with mates mid-week.
And I am not invincible, which is a scary revelation to someone who thrived on adenalin. Adrenalin these days leaves me shaken – not productive and decidedly less functional, which I cannot afford to be.
I’ll get back there I know. And I’m looking forward to just being cruisy, having all legal paperwork over and tidy with no lawyers to speak with and thoroughly in the swing of work (and being able to leave that when I go home). I am looking forward to enjoying the moment again without feeling like I’m dragged behind it and to not feeling guilty for the things that I would have done but havn’t. So much guilt on a daily basis.
I am looking forward in the knowledge that I AM in such a good place in my heart and home and just waiting for the rest of me to catch up. Someone tell her she’s running late – I miss her.
All shade is pattern – there is dark and light and the variations are beautiful, and natural and lovely. From here I can see the sun and it’s wonderful but I’m loving the coolness of the shade and still sheltering. Just a little.
l love this line: “Someone tell her she’s running late – I miss her.”
Beautiful!
I can so relate to this: esp in those times of extreme stress – I feel I’m cutting way too many corners and not enjoying the journey. The Time To Smell The Roses type journey.
Thank you for sharing – so looking forward to hanging out with you for 2 whole days very soon. xx
love this.
best of luck with the exhibition. It looks great. Maybe I should be brave and try something like this.
Ah Michelle, you express your feelings so well either painting and designing with materials or such words so beautifully crafted. What a clever, expressive and amazing soul you are. Thanks for putting your thoughts and feelings out there for others. I loved reading what you said and it takes me back to my period of feeling those emotions of fear, hope and relief. I think that there is so much more anxiety when you are taking your children on what feels like a dangerous leap over a wide unknown crevasse. That is probably where the adrenalin charge becomes more fraught and not fun because there is more at stake than your own self.
You have only done what you had to do with the knowledge that you can make it ultimately work for you all. There is definitely a lot for you to look forward to and I am so grateful that I got the courage to take that leap. So good to wake up to sunshine in my heart every day and happy anticipation. Hang in there. Love you Michelle. xo
Michelle, I have missed seeing what youve been up to, and smiling when i looked at your work. I could only add up the little I’ve seen , and come to the conclusion you were swimming upstream . But I’ve been waiting patiently and I know that in the near future, something will appear of yours and it will have your stamp on it. Youre obviously where you need to be at the moment- put there for a reason. So absorb it all and just keep swimming- backstroke possibly so you get to see the view. XX
it’s scary feeling that you’re not on top of things, but many of us are just muddling through as well, only with less style than you! you’ve had so many changes that it’s bound to be challenging. hope things settle down for you once the legal stuff is sorted, at least that will be one thing off your mind/plate. your positive outlook is inspiring. happy cruising! pxxxx
This is a wonderful post- I’m going through very different life issues but I can totally relate to some of the feelings that you’re encountering. Adrenaline and I are not the good companions we were when I was younger!
I’m really looking forward to catching up with you soon and being able to just sit and chat and gaze at whatever with you for a little while.
I still get that rush of Adrenalin at 50…although now it’s turning into more of a kind of anxiety rather than the motivating buzz it once was…
I hope it comes back to you as a friend, as I hope it does for me…
Having been brought up in the company of Nuns and my mum guilt is never far away….. just know in your heart you are doing your best and take it easy on yourself. Lots of hugs.
oh honey, I get this so completely and utterly. I really do, but you know that I do because our lives mirror each others <3
Much love to you
xxmichellexx